It's good to be home for Christmas. It took a 20 hour busride to get to Buffalo from the ATL. And 1-1/2 hours to Houghton. And another 5 hours to Albany from there. It was all worth it though.

Like most visits home, I'm lacking in the sleep department. I was at the greyhound station by 10:30pm thursday. The bus left at 12:45am. I didn't get much shuteye on the bus. I was in the front seat and the wipers were making a horrible noise (it rained the whole way to buffalo, so the wipers never went off). Also the front end of the bus shook bad too. We didn't get to Houghton until 2:30am Saturday morning. We left for Albany Saturday in the early afternoon. Then after getting to Albany we went to a Christmas party. The annual Olson Christmas party. There were like 50+ people there. And their house aint very big either. But it was a blast! We played Settlers of Catan at 2:30am. That party didn't end until 5:30am Sunday morning. Needless to say, I missed church. I wanted to go too, bummer.

So yeah, I've been staying up late alot. I'm sure when I'm in my 40's I'll be cursing myself. But it's been fun. I'm glad I'm home for Christmas and New Year's. I needed to see my friends and family. I'm sure some of you can agree.

I was late to my first counseling session. I forgot how crazy Atlanta traffic is. After talking for a while my counselor told me I was compulsive....so, late that same day I decided to go home for Christmas. By midnight I was on a bus to Buffalo, NY. I'm leaving with Walker and Ashley from houghton in a few minutes to go to Albany........Yeah, I think my counselor is right, I am very compulsive!

Note from the blogger: I love the color green. Especially dark green. The darker the better. I once saw a car that I thought was black, but when I got close to it I realized it was a very dark green. I knew I was in love at that very moment.

Trying to make things work

My bicycle is broken. I still rode it to the library today; with no breaks, a rusted chain, crooked seat, and low air in the tires. It would be a great bike if I could afford to buy the parts to fix it...I try to make it work.

I was told I shouldn't get a job. I spent $50 on groceries my first week in Atlanta; on a $100/month stipend. I'm down to 1/2 a block or creamcheese, 1/2 a package of sliced cheese, peanut butter, jelly, 3 yogurts, and 1 box of genero-brand shells and cheese...I still try to make it work.

My first counceling session is today. I'll go once a week to Swanee, Georgia. It's about 40 minutes away. I could borrow a car to use, if I could put gas back in it. Oh, but once I get my car I can drive that! Yeah, and who pays for the insurance and gas after a month?...I guess I'll try to make it work.

I want to go home for Christmas. My mom wants me home for Christmas. I can't afford the trip. My mom sure can't afford it. Yet she's trying to find me cheap enough tickets to get me there. Otherwise, I spend a couple weeks in an empty house. It'll be quite the lonely and depressing Holiday Season...How the hell do they expect me to make this work?

I was better off in Mississippi.

I haven't ridden a bicycle in years. My lungs were on fire by the time I got to the library. It wasn't very far away and most of it was down hill (it's going to be fun going home). Man, I am out of shape! As soon as I get a new chain, new brakes, and readjust the seat it should work alot better. I bet riding the bike will be more versitale than MARTA too. I'll get around easier and it's an every day kind of workout. The only problem is I sweat alot, and that could get annoying every time I go out. Especially if I'm going to a public place. Like today. I rode to the library and sweat was dripping on the keyboard. I know, yuck. I had to go to the bathroom and grab papertowels and keep wiping the sweat off me so it wouldn't drip all over everything. Yeah yeah yeah, so I'm nasty! I can't help it. I have hyperactive sweat-glands. It's a condition I have. At least, that's what I tell people.

What to do while in Atlanta?

I've been waking up at like noon every day. There's nothing to do where I live. I can't even do the dishes at our place because we have a dishwasher. Tonight, I was so eager to do anything I did all the dishes when we went to my rommate's girlfriend's house. I even cleaned the counter and the stove. And Sudoku books are getting old (never thought I'd say that). I've been doing them every night since I got here. Also, I baught a bicycle to use until I get my car back. Oh, there's always MARTA......yyyup.

I am supposed to make an appointment for my councelor. But I didn't get the phone# until friday evening. So, I can't schedule that appointment until monday at the earliest. Well, it's a good thing I got to Atlanta on Tuesday! Because I've only had to wait a week with nothing to do. It makes no sense to me. But what's done is done.

I am looking forward to focusing on a few things in my life. I just can't do it alone. I need help. My depression keeps me from making decisions. I think it would be good to do alot of things but I don't have the will to do them. It's........depressing.

I thought my tag board disappeared. I kept refreshing it and it still wouldn't fix it. Then, all of a sudden, it's back.

Yeah, so I've been cut off from society for awhile. I had no phone, internet, car, bed...life. But now I have another phone. So, I'll be calling alot of you soon. If you were wondering why I've fell off the face of the earth for a few days, well, now you know what was up. You'll hear from me soon.

I have a new cellphone. Same number. So if you have it, you can call me now! I have to go pick up pizza now.

It's hard to put it into words

............................................................................
............................................................................
............................................................................
....................I just don't know what to say......................
............................................................................
............................................................................
............................................................................

I'm moving back to Atlanta. Tomorrow.

I've been talking to my site coordinators about a few of the personal issues I've been dealing with. Because it's been affecting my work, my health, and my relationships with people I live with here in Gulfport. And I've come to realize that I need to work on a few things before I can do this kind of work. So, I leave for Atlanta tomorrow.

I will be well cared for there. I have a close community of friends there who will support me and help me get through this time. This isn't the end. It's the beginning of a change in my life that will help me in the future. I'm glad it came to this. This is probably the best way it could have worked out.

Since I drank alot at The Shed and at the going away party for Harrison (two nights in a row), I decided to put myself on a strict no beer diet. It's not really a diet. We all know how silly me and diet sounds together. But anyway, I feel I lack the control I thought I had.

It's been hard to stick to it too. The first day I found it hard to say no. We went to another party the very next night after Harrison's (it's Christmas time I guess) and there was beer. I had a tough time but I didn't have any. I left the party early to go hang out with a few other friends. We played some poker and there was beer there too. It was a bit tougher there b/c I was being pressured into it alittle. But I didn't have any. I'm glad too b/c I had to drive my friend back home. But it was alot tougher than I thought it would be.

My biological father was an alcoholic. I always told myself I wasn't going to end up like him. His drinking was primarily the reason he left my mom and I when I was 14 months old. I will not put my family through anything like that.

So, for now, until I feel I have better self-control, I won't be doing any drinking.

Word got out that we ran out of firewood. A few days ago some Americorps volunteers dropped off about 2 dozen huge logs (about 24" diameter and 18"-24" long). So, I've been splitting logs for the past two days. Ya know, I've never done it before. I realized I enjoy it. It's good exercise, a great stress reliever, and the next day I feel sore. A good sore, like after an intense workout (example: when I played raquetball with Walker at Houghton).

The volunteers treated me to beer and barbeque two days ago. It was great. We went to The Shed. The building looks like...uhh...a shed. It's made to look like a hole-in-the-wall kind of place. They even have a beercan chandelier. And people sign the walls, tables, chairs, urinals. Or they write random quotes. The popular thing is to write on or sign a dollar bill and then tape it to the ceiling. It was alot of fun. The volunteers were pretty funny after a few beers. It was a night to remember.

Last night was a going away party for one of the long term volunteer staff. The tent was decorated in Christmas lights. And there was shrimp cocktail, pizza, snacks, and beer. After alot of socializing a group of us decided to play a game. I've played it with Eric, Walker, and a few others. Except this time it was called asshole instead of whench. And apparently it's a drinking game. When I've played with peeps from the ALB we weren't drinking. Well, it's really fun. And I think I got drunk. Yeah, I did.

Woohoo! I added a new tag-board to my blog. And it works. I feel computer literate. Yay!

I worked at a jobsite today. It's the first time since I arrived here. I'm usually in the office, at meetings, or visiting homeowners. I love construction too. The physical labor, using my hands, getting messy. And being able to step back and see what I've accomplished. It's so hard to see the progress doing disaster recovery work. I know it's there. But it's not very visible. So, it was nice to do something where I could see progress being made.

I spend all day taping and mudding. I had to reset alot of the screws in the drywall because the people before us didn't completely drill them in. I was suprised at how much faster and easier it was to do the work as the day progressed. To be honest, I didn't want to leave at the end of the day. And I was covered in drywall mud too. I told the volunteers that tommorow I was actually going to put some drywall mud on the walls instead of my clothes.

One of the homeowners called me at 9:30pm. I was suprised she called so late. But I quickly realized why she did. She was scammed by some contractors just recently. The people she hired were supposed to put in electrical wiring and other utilities in the walls. Then the volunteers I sent over to her house were supposed to sheetrock over it. Well, the contractors never did the work. And they took all her materials with them. They came, she paid them, she went to work, and then they took all her stuff and left.

It ridiculous that this kind of bullshit happens to people. And to people who are trying so hard to start some sort of normal life again. They don't deserve this. But I was amazed at how undaunted the homeowner was by it all. She just said, "Oh well." And she's already got more material on the way and has found a reliable friend to help do the utility work. The volunteers will probably want to go back and help too. She suggested postponing sending them but I told her they will want to help even more now, knowing what happened to her.

Demon possessed dog?

We found a lost dog after we got back from the retreat. I say it was lost b/c it had a collar but no tag and was well groomed. It was obviously not a stray. It did smell though and was a bit...mmm, strange.

The dog wouldn't respond to our calls and was just wandering through the village as if it were lost and confused. I got some doggy treats and went to see if I could find a nametag or address on the collar, but found none. I picked the dog up and we put it in our office. Gave it a bed, water, and food. Then we tried to decide what to do about it.

There was something odd about this dog. It was drooling an aweful lot, but not foaming at the mouth. And it wouldn't sit still. It was continuously walking, even in the office. I would walk in circles. It finally laid down.

Then it happened. I was the only one on the office with the dog when it went into convulsions. It jumped out of a sound sleep and started running at full speed, in circles. It lost it's balance after slamming into my desk. Then it laid on its side, legs kicking at full speed, unable to control itself. Drool flowed, i mean flowed, out of its mouth. And then minutes later it was back to normal...well, not really. It did get up and looked around. But then it started to walk again. In really really tight circles. It's back legs just spun around as the dog kept turning around, as if to see what was behind it.

We called the humane society but they weren't open until the morning. We called a emergency vet hospital and they said we could bring it in but it was really expensive. We decided to wait until morning and take it to the humane society first thing. So I put the dog in my trailer. And it slept for awhile. Until another convulsion came. Same thing happened as before. Except then it stopped convulsing, instead of walking in circles, it paced back and forth in my trailer, all night long. The next morning I opened my trailer door and the dog jumped out and ran away.

It got really foggy one night at our volunteer village.

The Ducks in The Lake where we had our YAV retreat.

The Lake where we had our YAV retreat.

Just got back from a YAV retreat. It was good to not work for a couple days. It was in the low 30's down here. Felt like home!! The place we stayed was near a lake with hotel like rooms. The restaraunt served buffet food. We ate off the menu once. There was a banquet for alot of soldiers returning home from Iraq, I know I know it's a sore subject, it was at the same time we were there. We felt really out of place. And reaaly under dressed.

So, it was a great time. We had a bon-fire, which I lit. I was the only one with a lighter. There was alot of fuel on the wood. You could smell it from 10 feet away, no lie. And I lit the thing with a lighter. Hehe. It was fun when the wind blew hard too. Because the huge flames (20ft tall or so) would bend over and almost touch people standing 10-15ft away from the bon-fire. The thing kicked ass!!

And we also played "Exquisate Corpse" while on our retreat. It's a really fun game. Everyone gets a pen and paper. The first thing everyone does is write down an adjective at the top of the paper. Then you all fold the top of the paper over the word and pass it the the left/right/whatever you choose. The next person (without looking at the other word on the paper handed to them) writes a random noun. Then you all fold and pass the paper again. Then you open the paper you are handed and draw a picture to illustrate the adjective and noun you see. Then you fold and pass again. And you write a caption to the picture you see. The game goes continues on with everyone drawing pictures and writing captions and passing the paper every time until you decide to stop. And then you read from the bottom up and see how the captions and pictures progressed. Sometimes it stays very similar the whole way through. But most times it changes drastically and is very random. It's hilarious b/c people come up with the oddest captions and pictures. Especially if things are left vague and you get to use your imagination. For example, we had a paper that had "hot" "sheep" written on top. And by the end it was depicted as Nicole Richy nude on a tanningbed and burnt to death. Yeah, it can be in the gutter real quick. But it's alot of fun.

There was time for solitude and reflection too. I walked the nature trail and write stuff in my journal. I thought alot about the work I'm doing and how I need to stop complaining and do something about the problem. I can change it. I'm in the position to do something about it. So I should. And I will, with God's help. That's what I realized while in solitude. Then we discussed what we experienced while out there on our own.