So, people probably have no idea what's going on with me. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing significant going on. But I'm reminded of the small blessing from God. There are successful days, when kids in the neighborhood open up more, or my teammates and I go see and talk to our neighbors for hours and hours. Just the other day we talked to the Kings family. Mrs. King is about 90 years old. She was so happy to see us. She said that the efforts of the Civil Rights movement were successful because there a now white people likeus willing to move into their neighborhoods and help out in the community. I didn't do anything significant to deserve that comment. All I did was move here for a year. I'm really struggling to grasp the idea that it's not being successful in anything that matters, it's just getting out there and doing it. It's difficult enough to get people to move out of their comfort zones. Why do I worry that I'm not doing enough? Do I need to try harder?

Joe and I had a good talk last night. I'm glad God led me to call him. He really spoke through Joe into my life at that moment. I was struggling with this whole "future plans" concern of mine. It was becoming a distraction from the work here in ATL. But I have a clearer head now. You wouldn't understand if I told you what he said. That was definately just for me. But man, it was exactly the words I needed...

...back to work now.

Lostboy has found it!!

I found my wallet. It was in a stupid place. I should have known, but I found my wallet. I'm coming home!! I'M COMING HOME!!!

Mwhahaha!!!

Halo2 Skulls

Apperantly, because of the widespread exploration that obssessive gamers did on the original halo, the designers put in secret skulls in Halo2 that affect the game dimensions when you touch one. The only thing is you have to find them, they are hidden. I printed some documents off the internet that described how to get these skulls. There are a bunch of new glitches and tricks to be learned too.

I digress...it's sad how obssessed I am with a game I haven't played in months or even beaten yet.

I just got back from the juvenile court. The teen responsible must have confessed. We never saw him in the courtroom, so it must have been settled out of court. I believe he is in jail for a minimum of five years. The two teens on our b-ball team were released on probation. This is a good thing. The week they spent in jail seems to have sunk in to how serious the situation was. I think they will think twice about who they hang with from now on. They will have to do community service and stay out of trouble for a long time. They were treated fairly. Seeing them in those shackles is going to stick with me for a while.

Depressing Music

I was feeling pretty down in the dumps yesturday. We went to church. We thought we would get out early for once (if 2.5 hours of church is getting out early) because the associate pastor preached instead of the senior pastor (who takes flippin' forever). But to our shear boredom the senior pastor took over at 1:30 post-meridian and went on about...pretty much nothing, for an hour more (making it 3.5 hours total). we all left with headaches because they don't understand anything about sound systems. walker and any other sound-knowledged person would freak out. I would offer help and try to soften the burden on our ear-drums but the pastor has the soundboard up front right where we would have our communine table at TCC. he even has a mini soundboard behind the pulpit. And the pastor is very controlling over it.

Depression turned Happiness

After church we went home and did chores. (And there was much rejoicing...yeay!) After chores we picked music for our citywide, where we all get together for worship and food and one-on-one's (accountability) and fellowship. The worship went good. I read a scripture to the crowd. We ate BLT's. And the message from Leroy was great. It really hit home for me. The best part was the fellowship afterwards. We formed a few three person teams and played a quick tourniment or basketball. I played with Zac, a good b-ball player, and Mark, a new-zealander who has a style resembling a harlem globe-trotter. We won the tourny. And I scored a handful of points. It was fun. I played well. I think coaching basketball has made me more knowledgable of the game and the moves and the rules. It has made me more aggressive in my playing because I am always urging our guys to drive into the paint and make the lay-up and things similar to that. My coaching has rubbed off on me. But all in all, I felt happier afterwards.

Then to top it all off we went to Leroy's house and made smores outside via a campfire...And there was wood-chip throwing war that insued.

Tommorow's the trial date. I have to miss my counseling session to go to court. My roommate and I have to testify since we were the one's at the house when the incident happened. I pray that everything is just in this situation. It seems like certain people have it out for these kids in our neighborhood. It's to the point where we now think two of the kids may be innocent but my roommate was told that changing our original statement would be purgery. And becuase our story has changed at all they are trying to make us less credible becuase we are fearful of threats. And that's why they think we changed the story to make them look less guilty out of fear of retaleation. But no such threats have been made. They want the court to believe their story over ours. Even though, we were the one's there and they only know the story from what we have told them. The police report wasn't even accurate to what we told them. It had one of the kids we think as innocent as the one who committed the burglery. But that never happened and we never said it was so. So why does the report say he did it? Hmm...let's see...to make him look guilty. The justice system in America is a joke!

What The Future Holds

I think about the future and I see...potential, hope, change.

I really don't know what to do about the future. Mission Year has alot of its own crap to make you, at times, overwhelmed. But I need to look up and try to visualize what I want to be doing once this experience is over. I have ideas and dreams and thoughts that seem too distant still to be the answer I'm looking for. Another thing that taints my sight into the future is this depression thing. I learned that making decisions can be hard to do while you're depressed. I think the decision in general is difficult. This is the rest of my life we're messing with.

Here are some of the thoughts that have run through my brain:

(Maybe this will give you a good look at me, internally)

- I know I want to get married. My mind thinks about this alot. I wonder it would be best to marry first then jump into whatever indeavor God brings after. Or will I start the next indeavor first and then get married during or after it. When is the time when I get to fall in love? Have you ever asked yourself that? I feel like I'm chasing after so many other things; whether it's ministry, work, or education related. I have only dated one person in my whole life. Getting to know someone. Falling in love. Getting married. I never fealt like it was time. I feel like it's getting closer.

- I know I want to use what God has blessed me with in ministry. I am good at certain things. I am bad at others. I am also learning that I can become better at the things I have not yet mastered. What I do know is that I have given God my life. And I want to have a heart that is after God's own heart. He loves the world of people which He has created. And the Bible talks about Jesus having compassion on them. Especially those in need who get neglected or rejected. I want to use my talents to bless God's people. I want to help the needy. I want to learn from people too.

- I want to experience new things; go where no one else dares to go. I hate conformity. I'm growing accustome to change. I think that's why I want to go someplace I've never been before. Whether that's Afghanistan or South Africa or another state in America where most other people wouldn't want to go. Have you ever seen shows on tv where people run away from certain places because of the danger there. But then you see the super-hero run into the danger. That's what I think of when I think about Jesus. He ran in to help, not out to save his own skin. I want to do that. I'm reading this book, "Father Greg and the Homeboys". It's about a priest and his ministry with gangs in L.A. The danger there is so real, yet God uses the priest to help in immeasurable ways. At times even at the risk of dying.

There's probably more to add to this but I'm almost out of time (I'm still at the library). I will continue to think about these things until God shows me what decision to make. He's showing me that it's even ok to make the decisions myself and trust that it's ok with Him. God knows my heart and motives. If the decision is wrong He'll convict me and let me know.

Blog Updates

I normally don't broadcast these things, but tough sh!t.

I added the infamous John Gatti and the notorious Casey to my blog link list.

I also blogged...three times today. (Whatelse to you do at the pubic library while sitting at a computer with no speakers so you can't watch or hear Homestarrunner or Weebl and Bob or Music for that matter!)

Oh yeah, Walks, a friend of mine and I were talking about Lovedrug. I told him I played bass and he wants me to play in his band. He reminds me of you. But he's no replacement for you. You can be replaced by no one.

Session 1

I don't know how much I am willing to share concerning my counseling sessions, but I do know my friends care and I would share this stuff with them if I were with them. But since I can't be with you guys I guess I will share through my blog. I don't think anyone other than you guys really knows about my blog anyway (In fact, Joe just found it. And we're close friends. So how's a stranger who doesn't even know who I am going to find it...whatever, I rambling...ck1).

I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. I took this test that helps the pycho-whatever-their-called person diagnose my condition. The councelor was trying to make light of the test. Ya know, like trying not to make me think I'm all messed up in the head when I find out the results. Or becuase I answer all the questions with a "yes" that I want to committ suicide because I must be pretty bad. It went like this (this is what the councelor told me about the test):

"Clinical Depression is technically defined as having at least five of the following sypmtoms of depression for at least two or more weeks. (so you only need five to pass! hehe.)"...at this point we went through the first six symptoms and I told the councelor which ones I was dealing with. Then the councelor said..."Wow! Six already! We can stop here. We'll cover the rest of the list later."

So needless to say I thought I must be pretty freakin' depressed if I hit the first six symptoms right off the bat. I know the councelor was trying not to make me feel bad about it. But somehow I fealt pretty bad about it. I guess my depression was making me react drastically to it. That must be why the councelor tried not to put too much pressure on the results, except for that, "Wow! Six already!" at the end.

To make a long story short. I actually feel good that I'm going to counceling. I like to know what's going on with me. I fear the unknown. So if I don't know why I am the way I am then I get anxious. But since it's making sense and I know I'm acting the way I am because I'm depressed, then somehow that makes me feel better about it. At least I know. Ya know!

Interesting turn of events

My roommate Ryan. Well, he got his wallet back. Someone found it outside of the church near our friends house where we were house sitting and those teens forced their way in. One of the kids he tutors at a school down here came up to him and said that he has the wallet. It sounded odd at first because the kid doesn't live anywhere near us. How did he end up with the wallet? It turns out that the kids family goes to the church by our friends house. And on Sunday, the morning after the "home invasion" (as it is refered to in the police report) took place, they found it laying on the sidewalk outside the church. And it gets better. Ryan's license and a copy of his social security card were still in the wallet. Someone could have easily stolen his identity. We prayed he would get his license and wallet back (the wallet was from Kenya). Thank God!

I wasn't going to go home for spring break. Some friends and I were planning on going on a cruise. It was going to be great. But the prices were bad during our spring break schedule. Alot of people are still staying in Atlanta. I have been thinging of joining them and staying as well. But my friends and family in Albany miss me.

I have been depressed lately about pretty much everything. In fact, I have my first counceling session tomorrow. My city director suggested it. And my teammates have mentioned my moods have been unnerving to them. I heard a symptom of depression can be lacking the ability to make a decision / plan ahead. I have had a hard time planning ahead for spring break.

I realize me family and freinds back in Albany love me alot. It comes out in small ways, but I can recognize it. I miss them too. If only I had bought a plane ticket earlier. It's not that prices now are expensive becuase it's so close to spring break (although prices do get higher the closer you intended departure gets). The thing that makes me wonder if I can still go home is that I lost my wallet. I have to wait for my new debit card to get to me. I don't know if I will get it before spring break arrives. And now I really want to go home to Albany. But I don't know if it will happen.

It's Been Awhile

Sorry for the delay folks. I haven't had the opportunity to blog lately for this reason: the wireless connection we had at our house is now secured by a network key and we can't use it anymore. So I'm at the pubic library (typo intentional) again. At least I have a reason to get out of the house.

Here's a recap on my life in Hotlanta:

I was playing football with my roommate and some neighborhood guys. These guys were walking around with a baseball bat and a make-shift weapon (an aluminum rod with a steak knife duct-taped on the end of it). So anyways, the football bounced off my face. I got a bloody nose from it...I would put the pic of the bloody mess on my blog but I can't do that at a pubic library....Ryan was later threatened with the bat while I was tending to my face back home.

Later that night these same kids along with two teens we know from our basketball team stole Ryan's wallet. Here's how it happened. We were house-sitting for freinds. (keep in mind that the front door doesn't lock easily) The teens forced their way into the house. They tried stealing an Xbox. We managed to wrestle it from the ring leader (by means of it flying out of the guy's hands and it landing onto the sidewalk). In the process Ryan's cellphone and wallet were snatched. The cell was returned somehow by the kids from our team as a token for amnesty. Yeah right! Unfortunately they aren't going to be able to play on the team anymore. So the guys we knew came back and said the other guys were going to get more people and come back and break down the doors. We called the cops. An officer stopped by and we gave them the names we knew and descriptions. A report was filed, hopefully. The next morning Ryan calls in the stolen credit cards that were in his wallet. Around $200 was charged to the cards since they had been stolen. Most of it in gasoline.

So, how was your day?